Tuesday, December 11, 2007

the evil that man hath wrought




Being a southerner I have had a lot of exposure to fried chicken and these days you don't have to be in a chicken shack somewhere south of the mason dixon line to get a good piece. There are a slew of upscale restaurants in San Francisco that have different varieties of fried chicken on their menus and there are three fried chicken chains operating in the city: Popeye's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Louisiana Fried Chicken. At Filmore and Geary there is a branch of each within a three block radius. There is also a rumor floating around about the fried chicken at a convenience store somewhere on South Van Ness in The Mission. I believe I may know this place of which they speak, but further research is warranted. Perhaps the most elusive aspect of good fried chicken is the ability to easily replicate your own at home. Thanks to Banquet Crispy Chicken Box you can have a piece of fried chicken anytime you want...or actually fifty minutes after you pop one of those delicious brown frozen hunks of chicken into a hot oven. Yes in fifty minutes you could get off of the couch and walk down to the Popeye's about a mile away and get some really good chicken and a biscuit or two but it's the getting off of the couch part that throws a wrench in the works, right? I don't know what kind of shit they spray on this chicken but it's good shit. The white meat was dry; the dark meat actually had pretty good flavor. It was the crispy crust that was sooo bad in that strange really yummy good way. Banquet chicken is totally redneck; consider the case closed once you notice the Nascar logo on the front of the box. Let's have a banquet in our trailer...you would think that any hillbilly worth his weight in Pepsi-cola would know a chicken stand somewhere close by rather than resort to the Banquet, a place that has dispensed with napkins favoring instead to serve you your piece of chicken wrapped in a slice of wonder bread. But those are by gone days my friend and sometimes in this fast paced modernized world all we have is the Banquet...even if it does take fifty minutes. Jesus Christ you could make your own in that amount of time but it would probably be greasy and not crispy. The Folks at Banquet are not afraid to spray some chemicals on their bird to crisp it up. Why did I eat this crap??!! A day later and I still feel poisoned. People actually buy the Banquet as a meal option!!! A mom somewhere with OCD is making detailed menu plans for her family's work and school week and she has with utter seriousness penned in under Wednesday night: Banquet. This chicken box should only be bought and used by stoners in trailers beyond city limits. And speaking of: what is the deal with the KFC Mashed Potato Bowls?? I can't help but imagine that their research and development department must be headed up by Cheech and Chong. Here's the description from their website: "We start with a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn and loaded with bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken. Then we drizzle it all with our signature home-style gravy and top it off with a shredded three cheese blend. It's all of your favorite flavors coming together." Ok, in some sick perverse way you had me up to the cheese. Why the cheese? Because when you are stoned it's all good. Today I promise to eat only Broccoli, fogive me for my sins Oh Lord....

3 comments:

greg gory said...

I always found KFC to be suspect. What part of the chicken is this? Who is this mysterious Colonel? Is there a secret chicken branch of the military we are unaware of? Are my taxes paying for this orgy of corrupted fowl flesh?
The "bowl" really takes the cake though. It's the ultimate in preparatory and consumptive gastronomic laziness. Kind of the living embodiment of the phrase your grampa would use when you complained about different foods mixing on your plate, "It'll all get mixed together where it's going anyway!"
I suspect the bowl comes out the same form it goes in. It looks like the foods have already suffered the Colonel's mastication and are now being spoon fed straight to your gullet. I don't have the time to eat food items individually, just ram the tube down my throat and pour the bowl in! It's all going to the same place anyway. Screw the bowl, just mix it all up in a bucket!

runhide said...

I can't lie, I just had to try the bowl. I've never been one to understand why people have hissy fits when their food touches. I'm of the school of thought that, hell it all goes to the same place. But I also put sriacha on my bananas. Anyway, so one sunday afternoon I ordered the bowl. I was tempted to pull over and eat it, but I made it home while it was still moderately warm.

Well, let me tell you, it tastes pretty lame, not vile, but not good. Surprise! Still, I can't lie, I doused it with some hot sauce and chowed down.

greg gory said...

patton oswalt chimes in on "the bowl"